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Rise of the Phoenix Chapter 1 – How I Got to my “BEFORE”

This first post is a bit of a struggle..how far back do I go and how much info to include so you don’t get bored and stop reading.  So I will just dive in and then YOU can ask questions and let me know what you might want to read more about.  Setting the stage will be the longest chapter but I want to share ME with you so you know the good, bad and ugly.  This has never been told before and I am very scared to put it out there.

Way way back in my 20s and even early 30s I was in amazing physical shape – but emotionally I was a wreck.  Eating disorders, unhealthy relationships and intense pressure to stay thin to keep those relationships alive.  I am sure this story is all too familiar. I found myself in abusive relationships, very scary ones and situations that I am blessed to have survived.  I am VERY fortunate to be here today telling you this story.

Domestic violence changes perspective on things for sure, but I didn’t get my independence from that for a while.  I still had terrible self esteem – the victim always thinking if I’d done this or not done that, if I hadn’t gotten injured and gained a few pounds, and probably the worst one: if I hadn’t stood up for myself none of this would have happened.

Fast forward to the only relationship I’ve had in the last couple of decades.  When it ended, someone who was supposed to be my support system and be there for me at least for the initial shock of 5 years of my life with someone coming to an end, this is what I got.  “Well that’s really sad but you had to know it was coming.  He’s younger than you so of course he wants someone prettier, thinner and more successful.”  Now, maybe those words needed to be said at some point and I’ve never needed to be coddled but that hurt.  And to this day I have not gotten involved in another relationship because my confidence was destroyed over time, hearing things like this from people who were supposed to care.

SOOOO – here’s what happened next and continued until about a year ago.  I ate, I faded away from life.  Clearly no one wanted me around so I withdrew from life.  I did try to work out with my wonderful trainer at the time, Michael Anders.  I am so thankful for him because he gave me a reason to show up and try to better myself.  I just couldn’t go all in and commit emotionally and physically.

Some time ago I was laid off from a company I had been with for over 8 years at the time.  Shortly after that two of my beloved dachshunds passed away exactly 6 weeks apart.  I got scared because I couldn’t snap out of this, not this time.  I ate more, whatever I wanted because I was sad. Chinese food sounded great, it made me happy. Same with pizza – why not, my favorite food and life sucked so ….

I did come out of my funk long enough to see my doctor to talk about depression. I had to admit I needed help because clearly I wasn’t gonna kick this by myself.  I had stopped going to the basketball games I loved and I hid from life because I didn’t want ANYONE TO SEE ME!! I look back at pictures that I was forced to be in and while my face might be smiling, it never made it to my eyes.  

I will leave you with this to think about for next week:  what was my catalyst to FINALLY make a change and take back my life?  First step in the process was admitting I had depression and getting help for that.  From there, I could see things a little more clearly and realized HOLY WOW I am a huge hot mess right now!  Time to get it together Pam.  Stay tuned.

And stay PAWSITIVE!!! Thanks for coming with me.

One Comment

  1. It sounds like you’re being very brave in sharing your story! I hope it helps you find healing and helps other people to heal as well.

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