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Chapter 10 – Am I Lost, or Just Scared?

As I wrote in the last chapter, I’ve been feeling a little adrift, lost, lately.  Not necessarily in terms of my fitness journey, because I am still working, still sweating, trying to grow these baby muscles.  In the next chapter I will talk about what’s next on that front.  No, I’m talking about LIFE (again).  I thought maybe it was my depression rearing its ugly head but I refuse to give in to that.  I had a conversation yesterday that was a tough but necessary one to have.  My friend asked me what it would take to make “this version of Pam” happy.  What is my purpose, what is it that I’m looking to do to feel like I’m contributing and making a difference?  What happened to cause me to lose my focus and my direction?

I kept saying I DON’T KNOW, because I just didn’t know what to say, feeling put on the spot and completely tongue-tied, how to put it all into words (kind of ironic for a writer, right?).  But was this true?  “Do I REALLY not know, or am I afraid to admit what I want because I’m afraid I can’t have it?”

I stumbled upon this book in the library and just started reading it CAREERGASM – Find Your Way to Feel Good Work. WOW, it’s all about ME!!!  Right here in the first chapter, the author Sarah Vermunt asks that exact same question. Am I really as lost as I think I am, or am I just afraid?  “OMG, deep down I DO know what I want, but I don’t know how to get it.  I’m terrified!”  Holy cow, YES this…. I’m not lost, I’m scared of failing.  So I’ve been talking myself out of even trying lately.  I’m not talking about my job, I’m talking about my passion and how for some reason I got scared that I wasn’t good at it because I don’t have readers yet.  Thus “maybe this writing thing isn’t for me after all” is the only thing I kept saying to myself over and over.

The person I was talking to said “that doesn’t matter – you’re doing this for YOU.  It’s your passion, it’s something you HAVE to do, no matter what, no matter who reads or not.”  Back to Kevin Hart – he wrote a lot in his book about how many stand-up shows he did for very few people, how hard he worked to peddle his craft no matter who was or wasn’t listening or watching.  He KNEW what he wanted to do with his life, and nothing was going to stop him – hecklers, agents and other comics who said he didn’t have what it takes – he wasn’t hearing it.

So back to the tough questions.  What is my purpose, what is my passion, and how do I get back on track?  I don’t know HOW I lost my way, but stress really got to me and kept me from focusing on what matters most.  My passion is writing, and I want to share my story with anyone that might benefit from it. I will keep writing, no matter who reads because one day it might make a difference to someone.  Maybe that someone is me.  My point is – whatever you WANT to do, whatever you can’t stop thinking about, DO THAT.  Life is too short to live by someone else’s rules, worrying about what other people think.  DO YOU!  Sharing my message and honing my craft is what will make me happy, and I can’t stop working on that.

I feel so much better today than I have in a while, and I owe that to having friends who are willing to have the TOUGH conversations.  Through all the tears, the silence, the “I don’t knows” – I am so blessed to have people like that in my circle, people who push me, challenge me, don’t let me take the easy way out.  Find your tribe and you can be unstoppable!  They believe in you, so why shouldn’t YOU?

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